Slow Your Roll (or Not)
Why curbing your dating enthusiasm may be a good strategy (and how to do it)
I hate being cold and waiting for water to boil
Last night I checked into a hotel in NYC. I was freezing. This flesh and blood have acclimated to AZ winters, I suppose.
So, I turned the heat all the way up to its highest setting, only to find myself in a veritable sauna an hour later, breathing in oppressive hot air.
Similarly, I sometimes get overly eager and hungry when I’m cooking and I have to resist the urge to turn the flame on high.
When you turn the stove burner up to the highest setting, it can hit almost 700 degrees and burn your food. (By the way, if you’re done with dating and shopping for a cooktop instead of a top companion, this is a good site.)
So, what the hell does my hotel room and making a snack have to do with finding the person of your dreams?
Please read on…
What does slowing your roll mean in dating?
To quote Urban Dictionary (the source of all things in modern language), slowing your roll means remaining calm and tempering your enthusiasm, as in:
"You'd better slow your roll junior player, you'll just get shutdown down out going like that."
We’re eager to find a companion, a life partner, or simply get laid. And some people aren’t really sure why they’re dating. Pressure from friends? Loneliness? Boredom?
Dating after 50 seems to come in one of these five forms:
Total cynicism, burn-out, and apathy (e.g., “I don’t care if my private parts wither and fall off or ever feel another person’s touch. I’m so done with dating and sex. I’ll scroll through the apps but I’m so over it and will probably be cranky on a date — if I even go on one.”)
Peer pressure. (e.g., “My friends, parents, kids, or others — including that little voice in my head says I need to get ‘back on the horse.’ Yeah…there are a lot of nags and asses out there. But it’s the thing to do.”)
Musical chairs (e.g., “I’m so eager to have a partner that I may even be dating a serial killer or other wacko but they seem nice enough and the sex is better than average. Being lonely hurts so much that I’d rather be dismembered and have my bank account drained one day. And look at all those hot people out there! I want them all!”)
Quiet optimism and patience. Damn! This one is tough. But because I’ve been burned by #5, I’m slowing my own roll these days. I know the people who practice this approach have mostly found amazing relationships (short- and long-term).
Romantic zeal and zest (and whatever other “z” word connotes mindless passion). Sometimes we are so blinded by words, early acts and words of flattery, and a couple of near-perfect dates that we rationalize or refuse to see the flags. People operate from their heads (big or little ones) and hearts. We get impatient. We may over-text or over-plan early on. Here’s a great article about that topic, especially for you lady readers out there!
Beware the Love Bomber
It’s not a jacket style. It’s a pattern of behavior that can lead to disappointment and heartache. I’ve been on both sides of the bomb and neither one feels particularly good, which is why I’m in the #4 zone these days.
But a wide range of behavior and dating styles exist between showing up at someone’s door with a ring after the second date and locking yourself up in a bomb shelter.
Be positive but pace yourself. There are many fish in the sea, frogs who may be princes or princesses, and covers for pots (as my late mother would say).
Take the lead from your “partner.” If you want to dip and spin and they just
want to stand at the edge of the dance floor, don’t keep cranking up the music with the hope they’ll catch your rhythm. After a while, have an honest conversation about topics like monogamy, frequency of dates, and long-term goals. But, if you get a sense your significant (or insignificant) other doesn’t want to discuss those things, take that as a sign too.
Use the buddy system. If you have the good fortune of connecting with someone who is as eager and positive as you are, resist the urge to turn up the stove burner immediately and rely on each other for pacing. That applies to road trips, sex, and even just texting frequency. The right person will be open and honest about how often they want to hear from you, how they prefer to communicate, and when they want to see you (or not).
Now, enough with the home maintenance, incendiary devices, animal, and dancing analogies for this blog, and back to you, my readers.