Do I Laugh? Do I Cry? Do I Block?

The emotional toll of online dating

Last week, I shared an article about the psychological impact of dating apps.

A study showed that 80 percent of people suffer some kind of emotional turmoil as a result of online dating.

I can personally attest to that.

After a break, I unpaused my profiles, and here are just a few ways swiping messed me up. I’m not even talking just about just real dates here — mostly online interaction.

1. Random passive-aggressive abusive behaviors. I call them the “angry birds.” They are the men and women who have been psychologically scarred and feel compelled to take it out on people they’ve never met — harshly critiquing my profile and sometimes even name-calling. Hey, boys and girls, play nice! If you’re not loving and kind, no one will love you back. If you’re nasty to a stranger, how will you be with someone you care about? That’s not to say that I’m not open to honest and caring feedback. But not unprovoked barbs from total randos.

1. Time-sucking endless texting. Because I write for a living, being clever with words can be exhausting. You own a phone, yes? Use it please to get a conversation started. And a video chat can help screen suitors even faster.

2. Bad manners. If you say you’re going to call at a certain time or plan to meet someone, please either do it or graciously reschedule or cancel. Especially as we age, time is valuable (and sometimes billable). If you need to cancel at the last minute because you’re performing life-saving surgery or have a family or health issue, I get it. Just be honest, direct, and at least a little apologetic.

   

3. Mysterious “rejection.” I have accepted that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea (or shot of tequila), but knowing why someone isn’t interested can be helpful. One of my friends coined the phrase, “Dating Exit Interview.” No one wants to hear painful truths, but they can help us understand what we need to do better or differently.

4. Know-it-alls. This is a variation of #1. It has been compounded by the influx of 20- and 30-something “dating coaches,” who have lots of advice to dispense about how and where to meet people, what to look for in a partner, and who would be a good match. People who don’t believe in online dating (and have never tried it) also often love to judge those of us who use it. I’ll just leave that one here.

A self-reflective woman, I consider all feedback to be good feedback.

But it can still be exhausting, and even sometimes demoralizing. Aging as a woman is hard enough without having to deal with this crap. (And I didn’t even list #6…the dogs in heat!)

And that’s why I’m pausing the apps again next week.

I’ll use those free hours to serve my clients, work out more, hang out with girlfriends, and do some volunteer work.

And write this series, of course!

I’ll be mentally healthier for it! And I still trust that the (not-so-judgmental, respectful, and kind) prince is out there somewhere!