Dating Multiple People
How to Spin Plates Without Breaking Shit
Dating apps encourage behavior that wouldn’t be cool in the real world.
For example, would you go out for cocktails with a dude and then be chatting up the guys at the bar on your way back from the restroom?
Yet, many people find themselves in full-on swipe mode, making dates with multiple people and perhaps even hooking up with several during the same time period.
The behavior is especially common among people who’ve been married for a really long time or have lacked validation from the opposite sex.
They spin a wide range of plates at the same time and give one a gentle nudge when they feel it’s getting wobbly. (See below — one of my fave Ed Sullivan acts.)
But, here’s a big difference.
Platters don’t have feelings (or transmit diseases) and people do.
Seeing multiple people at once is not in itself wrong. In fact, it’s probably prudent during the early stages of singlehood.
But problems arise when one person thinks they are special and then discovers they are part of a harem or entourage. So, what’s the solution? Becoming exclusive after one date may be premature and sometimes creepy.
However, when I meet someone that has true relationship potential, I immediately pause the apps because I don’t want to be distracted and prefer to give one person 100% of my head. (We’re talking about brains and wit…not just THAT head!)
Here are my suggestions for serial daters (or cereal bowl spinners):
Once you have feelings for someone (or sense they have feelings for you) come clean about your current dating “rotation” and manage expectations.
Before you become intimate with someone, discuss some “ground rules.” Yeah…it’s kind of awkward, but you’ll be doing everyone involved a big favor.
If you want to live a poly lifestyle, just own it! A Facebook group for poly people over 50 exists, so you won’t be alone!
Open relationships have also become more socially acceptable and common. If you’re in a committed relationship but can’t “stop the itch,” then talk to your partner about your needs. You might end up losing them, but hey — you’re a grown-ass man or woman and that’s just the reality of relationships >50.
Remember that in our social media world, secrets don’t stay highly classified forever. People can see others’ “friends” and FWBs on your apps and you must be prepared to answer tough questions. Either be honest or become adept at using privacy settings.
Think long and hard about why you can’t commit to just one person. Are they lacking qualities that are important to you? Do you simply miss the thrill of that first kiss? Do you have a need for the constant attention and validation that the apps provide? I’m no therapist but exploring your relationship patterns and dating style may be helpful in the long run.
When you inadvertently hurt someone who thinks they are the “one and only” and then finds out that you have multiples, just own it, apologize for disappointing them, and discuss the next steps. I know that sounds very mature and polite, but hey — we’ve lived half a century (at least) — you should have some balls or big girl pants by now.
At the end of the day, you need to be happy with your dating style. But so does your prospective or current partner.
Don’t wait for that platter to shatter into a million pieces, leaving shards on the floor. You may not be as artful as the guy on the Ed Sullivan show!