Who Pays?

Miss Nancy's Dating Etiquette: MONEY

A friend suggested I write about this topic.

So, I polled a few people (men and women) to get their perspectives. I’ve discovered that some people don’t want to go “on the record” with their dating views for fear of violating confidences and/or becoming “undateable.”

It’s not that I don’t care about my overall appeal to the opposite sex, but I do make an effort to keep content anonymous and respectful. And, I also feel that if someone can’t deal with my candor and social media “stuff,” we probably don’t belong together. My private life is still 100% private, but so many of my peers have questions and I aspire to inspire and inform them with answers.

That said, I’d love for my readers to weigh-in with their own viewpoints.

Like most things in the weird and wacky dating world today, no right answers exist.

• The consensus seems to be that the person who is planning the meet or date suggests a place.

• A conversation needs to be had if the place is an outrageously expensive restaurant. I would suggest (and others have confirmed my view) that the first meeting be brief, low-pressure, and low-cost (e.g., a coffee shop, a happy hour, or even just a walk outside).

• Who pays for that coffee or cocktail? Many men over 50 like to be old-school gentlemen and most of my women friends don’t complain about that. Even though I consider myself a feminist, I love a simple gesture like a free cup of coffee or a skinny margarita.

• If you vibe, the next date is often more formal and pricey. Again, if someone suggests a 5-star, $200/plate dinner, don’t be reluctant to counter with a simpler (i.e., cheaper) option.

• When the check arrives (wherever you wind up going), women may offer, “May I split this with you?” Many women I’ve spoken to said they don’t really mean it and are tickled when a guy says, “That’s OK…I’ve got this.” Above all, don’t turn this moment into an argument.

• “I’ve got this, but you can get the next one!” is a great line that was offered to me by my new male dating muse, Jim McGrew. It works on a couple of levels:

  • You’ve made it clear to the other person you want to see them again.

  • You’ve established a “give and take” component in the relationship.

I confess…when I’ve had a terrible time on a date (because my suitor was rude, negative, or talked endlessly just about himself), I don’t offer to pay. I won’t get the hour back, but I feel a little better that I don’t have the pick up the tab for being a therapist or a metaphorical punching bag. Consider it a time-waster tax.

I’ve heard some men talk about how they feel they are “owed” sex because of how much they spent on dates. Sorry, fellas…that’s prostitution, not courtship. Ick!

Once you’ve gotten to know someone pretty well, you’ll probably know more about their financial status and attitudes towards money. That will make decisions about who pays for what even easier.

Of course, you could always forward this article to the person you’re about to go out with and say, “This random woman just wrote this article. What do YOU think?”

And that would be a win-win. I get subscribers. You get financial clarity. And maybe someone gets a free cocktail or meal!