8 First Date Red Flags

What To Do (and Not to Do)

After going on multiple dates over the summer, I have a clearer sense of the behaviors that can lead to second dates…and those that compel me to walk away (rapidly), shaking my head in disbelief and immediately calling a gf to share the details.

My friends and I agree that a “meet” (either over coffee or video chat) is essential before the date itself. Let’s assume that you vibe and agree to go somewhere together for a longer time.

If your date doesn’t reach out within the week to make plans, move on. He’s probably not that interested. If he’s busy, he should at least send you a text.

Many women really like a guy who suggests a place or activity. My friends and I, who work and have kids, have spent our lives making plans. We like resourceful guys who take charge. That said, they should pick a convenient place for both of you. Make sure it’s a place conducive to conversation because you’re still learning about each other. I recently had a conversation about whether a guy should pick a woman up at her home. I’m not a big fan. If you want to leave early, you’re stuck. (The positive is the ability to see what kind of car he drives and whether he leaves empty Slurpee cups on the floor. But is putting your security at-risk and feeling “trapped” really worth that? If you vibe, you’ll have plenty of time to check out his ride.

If you’re not sure what to wear, just ask. I once met a guy at a bougie steakhouse. He showed up in cargo shorts and sandals (no socks). Thankfully, the bar seats were all full so we went somewhere more casual.

Watch for red flags. Among them are:

• Rude behavior toward servers

• Lack of eye contact

• Checking phone messages

• Monopolizing the conversation

• Endless talking about an ex.

• Non-stop negativity

• Excessive drinking

• Too much unwanted touching or gratuitous sexual comments

Ask questions, but don’t cross over into “deposition” territory.

To touch or not to touch? It’s a personal preference, but guys who get too handsy from Date 1 can make me uncomfortable. Be polite, but clarify if someone is moving too fast for your tastes. If the conversation turns from witty banter to overtly sexual, try to steer it back to general topics.

After the date, reflect on the behaviors you observed and sift through which ones may have been situational and which ones might reflect deeper issues. If you’re on the fence, a second date could clear that up.

If something happens repeatedly, it’s a pattern. Proceed with caution. If you’re comfortable after several dates, you can address some of these habits non-confrontationally with the other person. Here are some helpful tips for having those conversations. Their reaction can also be a tell!

Dating becomes easier with practice and perspective. I learn a little something from every date—even the “bad” ones!